pills

(no subject)

Ugh
I dont even know what to say
part of me is a wreck cuz of my EX bf.
part of me is excited
"i get to live life-see what else is out there"
but everytime i think of him...
damn i wanna die
i havent started cutting again
which is good i guess...although its been REALLY tempting
i just keep thinking.
hes not worth it
ugh.
but he is:'(
damn this isnt fair
im so confused about him and life and everything
he some things to me today that really pissed me off...
and i retorted with somethings i really SHOULDNT have said...
we ended up apologizing
and he asked if it was ok if he still called now and then
"just to hear my voice"
WTF?!
i was crying so hard then.
but i had my face in a blanket so i hoped he wouldnt notice
i dont kno if he did or not-deffinitly didnt react
ugh.
im rambling on and on.
im just so confused
part of me has never been this depressed, lost and broken before
part of me is used to it
part of me says this is nothing to like last time..
and part of me....is...i dont even know how to explain it
like im fine. im content with this.
ugh. i hate him so bad.
but i love him so much
this is terrible
it really is.
my parents are freakin out
keepin me on watch 24/7 (no joke)
they totaly think im gonna kill myself
and i have NO idea why.
im acting perfectly normal.
like nothing ever happened.
whatever. i dont want to think about it....ever.
>PD
pills

(no subject)

I think I'm ready to admit it.

Life isn't and can't ever be perfect.

my fiance just dumped me.
why arent I crying?
i always said.
without him im nothing
id kill myself if i didnt have him
but i just feel so weak right now.
too weak to talk
to walk
move
speak
sleep
keep my eyes open
or to close them
much less kill myself
whats wrong with me?

>PD
pills

(no subject)

Im gonna try (a very desperate attempt) at NOT killing myself by crying myself to sleep...wish me luck...if that doesnt hold out...see you in hell you stupid fuckers i called friends.



:)

>PD
pills

(no subject)

Its a fucking conspiracy. Everyone is fucking out to get me. someone fucking told my 'best friend' that i was fucking pregnant. im on my fucking period. i cant be. hell i offered to show him my fucking tampons but he still doesnt fucking beleive me. he just keeps saying im lieing. BULLSHIT. he said that his source was "pretty damn valid" excuse me?! your going to believe a second-hand source to ME? the person its about? WTF. asshole!! OMG. What the fuck is wrong with me? what the hell did i do to deserve all this shit from my "best friends" FUCK. he doesnt even know why im mad. ok...he refuses to tell me whose spreading that rumor (again)so i refuse to ever talk to him again. well now he can get over me. god he's a fucking asshole. why the hell do all my best friends always turn out like that?? fuck im gonna fucking cry. I hate this godamn fucking life soooo much. i hate him. i hate this fucking life. i could fucking kill myself. it wernt for fucking david who'd probably bring my back to life only to kill me again. GOD DAMNIT. im soo fucking sick of this.IM SOOOOO FUCKING SICK OF THIS. someone fucking kill me. im not asking. fuck im past beggining. IM TELLING. if someone doesnt do it for me. ill fucking do it. gladly.

FUCK. i hate this place.
I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
  • Current Music
    shinedown; 45
pills

(no subject)

Thanx bitch. just when ive gotten rid of you. just when i cant fucking take it anymore. i have a fucking class you with. GO TO HELL. damn it if you EVER talk to me in that god damn class ill fucking kill you or myself. no you might like it if i kill myself. well fuck you. god i hate you sooo much. OMG its like killing me i hate you so much. ive NEVER hated someone as much as you. EVER. UGH!!!!! im going to fcuking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
UGH.
there is no fucking getting out of this. im stuck with you for the rest of my god damn life. your going to be my fucking sister in-law. damn it. well dont expect anything from me. not even a hi. im not going to pretend nice. dont talk to me. and i wont talk to you. if you do...youll regeret it. god damn it i cant do this. i have to get out. UGH. AHHHHHHH
OMG I HATE YOU.
pills

(no subject)

It was kinda stupid...for a second i thought someone cared..and then i woke up or something. at least im calmer than iwas earlier tonight...not by much tho...i feel so betrayed..yet this is all old news...damn it. that stupid fucking past coming back to haunt me yet again. like i fucking cheated on him. and twice! you stupid fucking bitch. you dont kno bullshit so go to hell. go stick your head up someone elses ass and get out of everyone elses busness. damn no wonder you have no friends. your a selfish, ugly, fat bitch. did i leave anything out? ya actually i did. but i decided to use only ...nice...language...damn im so sick of you. and the way that you treat me. im not your fucking slave. god damn it. now im getting all worked up again. damn you. DAMN YOU. I hate you so much!!!! i dont think ive EVER meant it more. I hate everything about you. your personality. your..voice...hell your taste in guys!! i hate how selfish and bitchy you are. i hate how concieted and fat you are. fuck. I just HATE you. i hope and i know. that you will rot in hell. hear me? YOU WILL ROT IN HELL. mark my words. watch. it will happen. you deserve it. i dont even beleive in hell. but if there is one-your going. no doubt about that. damn it i wish youd just leave me alone. it was so much easier pretending to get along for the sake of your brother. but no. you had to go and try to bitch at me about all this OLD crap. like i care? i havent given a second thought about you since i bitched you out the last day of school for all of your shit. my life is fine without you. its sooo much better. soo much less drama and LIES. i cant even remember a time i was this happy during the duration i was your 'best friend' every day with you was another day of HELL. thats all your good for. drama and fights. every week you have to be mad at someone. and suddenly i became your best target. with so much trash against me how could you not right? whatever. go fuck yourself. i still get a kick out of my reply to your so called bitching me out. "go fuck yourself (obviously no one else will)" haha!! im proud of that one... its true too. what is your 15, never been kissed...never had a bf...hell i doubt a guy has ever liked you. ive heard what the guys you call friends say about you..and its not good...HAHA. sucks for you. hell all my real friends are guys. i can count the number of guys who like me (that have told me to my face) one two full hands! damn i sound concieted there. ugh. i hate that. but still my point is-HAHA. i hate the thought that im actually going down this low...but damn-how much more of this can i take? a "fragile" girl can only take so much verbal abuse. as if her mother wasnt enough?! and damn-theres a place in hell already reserved for her. so what does that make you? ugh. the worst part about this is how badly this is making me feel. i feel so low. that ive gone down to your level. but hey-at least im not sending this to you. im just ranting and raving in the privicy of my own journal...unless of course you decide to go searching for my new journal (again!) but if you do-whatever. your choice. and im not going to give that a second thought either. whatever. im done with you and all of your stupid crap. have fun fucking yourself...youll be doing that for a while.
pills

(no subject)

Damnit. I hate this. Being a stupid selfish drama queen. But why the fuck does everything always end up being my fault?? I know I'm not perfect. I never said I was-or even close for that matter. But shit. Im 16. Im "fragile" as my phychiatrist likes to point out. oh and "overloaded" as my therapist puts it. WHATEVER! OMG. If it wernt for the fact that im in trouble and my bedroom door is open-id probably start screaming and crying right now. GOD DAMN IT. This is such bullshit. im sorry im fucking human and ive made a few fucking mistakes in my god damn stupid fucked up life. should i just fucking kill myself?! GOD DAMN IT. GO FUCK YOURSELF MARILYN. hah bitch. i said your fucking name. now everyone will know what a fucked up bitch you are. OMG i cant believe this. hell what am i saying. of course i can beleive it. this always happens to me. you do stupid bullshit-but like fucking usual- ITS MY FAULT. god damn you. why the hell did I EVER call you my fucking best friend. damm it-i should be allowed to have best friends. i ALWAYS seem to lose them. whether they move to japan or end up being stuck up selfish BITCHES. omg. OMG! FUCK YOU. FUCK EVERYTHING YOUVE EVER SAID TO ME. love me like a god damn sister. BULL SHIT. BULL SHIT!! youve never given a shit about me. i was just the only person who gave a shit when you tried to fucking kill yourself. o no wait- i told ppl- THE COPS! to save your fucking life. but no-lets blame me- i shouldnt have done that. your right im sorry. next time ill just LET YOU FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. happy? im glad. always to make your highness happy. thats my only fucking job in life. i made your freshman year hell? omg. you dont even want to kno what i have to say to that. you really truely dont. damn i wish you could fucking read this. but no...it will probably piss you off. wouldnt want to piss the 'princess' off any more. O fuck it. god damn you. GO TO HELL. leave me the fuck alone!! I never said i wanted to talk to you again. SO DONT TALK TO ME. GOD DAMN YOU. I cant fucking beleive this. i cant fucking beleive that i was your friend. that i called you my best friend. for once in my god damn pointless life i actually thought that title meant something. boy was i wrong. just like the rest of my stupid foresakin' life- IT WAS MEANINGLESS. KNOWING YOU WAS MEANINGLESS. you screwed up my life. you made me suicidal. you made me want to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to make you happy. AND I DID. i fucking did. i did everything you fucking told me to do. and you only ended up making my fucking life HELL. you have no clue how TRUE that is. god damn it!!!! I HATE YOU. do you no how many times ive said that in my life and meant it? twice. two people. my mom...and YOU. I HATE YOU. for the last fucking time DONT TALK TO ME.

  • Current Music
    sound of me crying.
pills

(no subject)

omg. i want to write soo much. just start at the begining i dont kno. im so fucking sick of this. everything. life. parents. i just...fuck. i dont even kno. i wrist is fucking stinging and its like turning me on. its not bleeding. fuck i cant even cut myself deep enough to make if fucking bleed. thats all i want. i want to see my own fucking blood. i sit there for hours pinching my arms and legs with my nails and i cant fucking draw blood. i cut over and over and over the same spots on my wrists with knives, safety pins, pens , paper clips. anyhting and everything. but it wont bleed. i used to pop hundreds of pills at a time and i couldnt even throw up. most of the time i felt exactly the fucking same. i want help. but i dont even kno what the fuck is wrong. it seems like everything is perfect and yet...it fucking hurts. i jsut want to die. i just want to fucking die. someone tell me how to make myself fucking bleed?! PLEASE. im fucking begging. i just want to see blood. i wont kill myself. i have a fiance worth living for. fuck. i gave him my promise i wouldnt kill myself just tonight...but i need to see blood. i just..i need it. someone fucking please!! im so fucking sick of crying and cutting for no reason. just give me reason damn it.